Love me like you do, La-la-love me like you do,

Touch me like you do, Ta-ta-touch me like you do

Ahh, the words of Ellie Goulding bring me right back to 2015. That time when all of a sudden Christian Grey was the name on everyone's lips and I first heard that devilish acronym, BDSM.

I remember there was something of a buzz in the media. All the adults were trying to stay tight-lipped about this new movie coming out. But they couldn't really hide their fascination with it. I may have been young but I saw how all the grown-ups turned into teenagers at the mention of Fifty Shades of Grey. They had a twinkle in their eyes and bashful blushes painted their cheeks. And like any 14-year-old would, I did my research. And boy…did I learn a few things!

But 14-year-old me did not understand what was going on. How truly groundbreaking Fifty Shades of Grey was. Now at 23, I am the same age as Ms. Anastasia Steele and I can confidently say that I understand the story in a whole new light and I see why it became such a phenomenon.

I first read Fifty Shades of Grey in October of 2024 for Smutory: A History of Smut. Halfway through the first book I was hooked. Not because of the criminally sexy Christian Grey but because Anastasia Steele is the kind of character all of us can learn from.

After reading all three books, I have decided that Anastasia’s story was about shedding light on the sexual questions that burn in the back of our brains, challenging other people‘s norms for our sexual lives (even our own partners’), and embracing whatever it is that we truly desire.

Now that’s the kind of story that gets you saint status in the church of SMUNTH.

What’s more is that the movie opened the audience's eyes to characters that unabashedly indulged in their naughty impulses.

Does our society like to admit that they want to see sexy stories? God, no! But do they all go to the movies, buy the tickets, and sit cross-legged in the theaters? Hell, yeah!

Just look at the trilogy's box office reports: they made $1.3 billion worldwide.

I first started writing this blog back in the fall, after reading the first two books and watching the first two movies. I became obsessed. I was fascinated with the way these books put sex - very explicit and taboo sex - in front of millions of eyes. When the first movie came out in 2015 I felt naughty watching them, not only because of the content, but because “kids shouldn't watch sexy stuff.” But now, at 23, I was shocked by how naughty I still felt watching them.

It's so interesting that no matter how old we get, whether we are actively embracing sexual activities as topics for discourse or not, there is still something about sex that makes us shy. I still have this feeling that watching these movies is too taboo, to wanton. But don't worry, it doesn't stop me. Clearly! What fascinates me about the Fifty Shades stories is that if I feel this shy - someone who actively has a smut blog - then how must the millions of readers who bought the book in 2011 feel? Let alone the men and women who sat down in those packed theaters and watched Christian Grey fuck Anastasia in high-defintion-surround-sound on the silver screen, rather than on their phone when no one was home. How did they feel? Salacious? Deviant? Naughty? Or just excited? This is what got me so interested in Fifty Shades back in October: why did this specific story about taboo, kinky sex get so big?

But it’s February of 2025 now, and as I finish the series, I am fascinated not just by the scale, visibility, and shock of this story, but by the questions and feelings that the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy instilled in others after the fact.

For the month of February the theme of SMUNTH is A Very Kinky Valentine‘s. I am diving into stories about kink, and this story obviously falls into the kinky category. But as a whole with SMUNTH I am looking at people's ability to tell stories about desire; what those stories of desire teach us; and how we, the viewer, can take that info and ponder it or implement it into our lives.

As I said earlier, Fifty Shades of Grey might just be the road map for that…

If you made it this far and are unfamiliar with the plot, Fifty Shades of Grey follows the story of Anastasia Steele, a 22-year-old who is about to graduate from college when she meets Christian Grey, a ridiculously hot, billionaire tech mogul, with a red room of pain and pleasure. The two go on a journey from kinky sex, to love and a long-term-relationship, with a surprising amount of high stakes along the way. I am not joking, there are guns, high-speed car chases, politics, and stalkers.

But the reason I want you to think about these books, and hopefully read them or at least watch the movies, is because of what we can learn from Anastasia and Christian. See, Anastasia is a virgin who knows nothing about sex, let alone “kinky fuckery”, as she likes to call it. She is a warm-blooded young woman who has a sexy, experienced man, Christian Grey, standing in front of her offering her pleasure on a silver platter. All she has to do is sign a contract outlining their Sub/Dom relationship and give up complete control and autonomy. But this is not a reality she accepts wholeheartedly.

What I loved about this story was watching her challenge a man that had seemingly so much more power then her. Sorry for the spoilers I am about to drop but she never signs that submissive contract. Anastasia decides that she has a passion for sex and likes kink but she will not be punished by the man she loves.

Many people in the BDSM world actually dislike this story. Well, perhaps it is more appropriate to say there is some resentment towards this representation of a Dom/Sub relationship. Anastasia is not a submissive and Christian Grey is not a Dominant. He is a sadist who uses the Dominant and Submissive roles to play out his sadistic need to punish women who look like his mom. That is my extremely generalized statement on these two fictional characters based on some of the social narrative around this trilogy. But it is important to remember that people define these roles and titles in their own way. And that these characters are fictional representations of possible dynamics. Though their story is not a conventional BDSM relationship, I believe it is a good look at a person's own unique journey through sexual exploration.

Anastasia first educates herself on sex (Christian’s version), learning what she likes, aka “kinky fuckery,” and demands it from him on her terms. She doesn't want to be a submissive or to let him use her body as he sees fit. Yet, she loves him. Christian, despite his love for her, struggles to give her a real relationship because of the window she has into his true nature.

The two have to make compromises if they want to hold onto the person they love. As the story evolves, we watch Anastasia take the reins of her sexual desire by asking for what she wants. It is two different things to have someone take whatever they want, whenever they want it from you, sexually or otherwise, versus giving up control in the bedroom in order to fulfill a desire, without the fear of being punished.

As the pair let go of contracts and obligations to fulfill certain sexual roles, they open up the possibility of new experiences and both go through major life developments. Christian goes from needing to have complete and utter control over his sexual partners, to letting it be more of a give and take partnership. He literally won’t let her touch him in the first book. But book/movie three ends with the statement that she is “topping from the bottom.” She is the one in control and he accepts that.

Sooooooooo… say what you want about the books and the movies. Is it the most inspirational and aspirational story? I guess that's up to your own personal choice.

But should these stories be a part of your personal SMUNTH education? I would say, yes!

And I know this may not be a popular opinion, but I am sure it won't surprise any of you to hear, I want more movies like these. Big budget mainstream movies that are unapologetically sexy. It is fun and encouraging (and let's be honest, gets people in the mood) to see people embracing sex. I don't just want movies like Fifty Shades but also more like Babygirl too. Give me everything! Just stop pretending it's not what people want. TELL STORIES ABOUT SEX! Show all kinds of sex, relationships, and dynamics. Oh, and PLEASE for the love of GOD, give me more epic soundtracks, like the Fifty Shades ones!!!!!

Let's embrace how it felt in 2011 when Fifty Shades of Grey was first traditionally published. Let's blush and giggle more. Let's turn the lights down low and give in. Let's take ownership of sexy stories and sing with Ellie Goulding.

“So love me like you do, la-la-love me like you do, Love me like you do, la-la-love me like you do

Touch me like you do, ta-ta-touch me like you do, What are you waiting for?”