'Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it

Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But chains and whips excite me

I know, I know…! This is the second blog in a row I am starting with a song… but come on, it's Rihanna, and it’s perfect for this!

This 2011 hit song by Rihanna perfectly encapsulates what I wanted to talk about this February. The interesting relationship between shame and arousal that comes into play with kink.

See, when I was faced with coming up with February's theme, for the month so synonymous with love, I didn't know what to do. I could have read all the most romantic stories I could find but that would have been subjective. So I decided to swing in the opposite direction. What if instead of focusing on love, we focused on kink and people's deepest, darkest fantasies? The stuff we don't want to talk about, let alone dedicate an entire holiday to. That is how we found ourselves here, with A Very Kinky Valentine’s.

Ahhhhh, it's kind of scary to look that deeply into the darkest parts of desire. It feels extremely vulnerable and taboo. But this is SMUNTH. This is where I hold your hand as we go into the sacred texts hunting for information.

Before we go any further though, I want to make sure we are all on the same page on what kink is. According to Google, “Kink is a non-traditional or atypical sexual desire, fantasy, or activity that deviates from what is considered mainstream sexual behavior.” What's interesting to me about this definition, is the heavy emphasis on atypical or unconventional. Because humans are all so unique. How can we decide what is unconventional for one individual?

Gillian Anderson, actress and writer, put it best in her book Want:

The logic of the word assumes that there is an objective “straightness” to all things, and indeed, our understanding of “kink” in the sexual world defines desire and preferences that sit outside what’s considered conventional or normative. Yet the very suggestion that there is ever any standard norm when it comes to sex is lunacy. And I only had to cast an eye over the “Dear Gillian” letters [anonymous submissions] to see that there is a limitless spectrum for sexual activity, desire and fantasy which actively resists rigid and obvious classifications.” (page 137)

I pulled this quote from the intro to the Kink Section of her book. Her book Want is a collection of sexuale fantasies sent in anonymously by hundreds of women across the globe. The whole book is a testament to women's imagination and to the sheer variety of longing and desire that women can experience.

So, basically, what I am saying is that yes kink is technically considered atypical desire but I refuse to “other” desire. Whether the kink may be as seemingly tame as just being watched or if it goes as far as rituals, we will not be passing judgment on how kinky a kink is.

What I do want to focus on is the interesting dialogue I found in the books I read this month. See, when setting out to only read kinky books for a month, you prepare yourself to read somethings that might make you uncomfortable. And I am not going to lie, the masked stalker book was a bit of a stretch for me. But I tackled this month the way I do all SMUNTHs. I am not going to judge. I am just going to try and listen. What are the characters of these stories actually telling me?

The first story I read this month was Desperate Measures by Katee Robert. It's a dark romance fairytale retelling of One Thousand and One Nights, in which Jasmine and Jafar end up together. This book was hard for me to read at first. There was so much rough behavior, consensual non-consent, and graphic depictions of violence. But the part of this story that has stuck with me is Jasmine’s words:

“I shouldn't want exactly what he’s describing. Except, no. That's not me talking. That’s the shame I've had drilled into my head since before I could speak. Good girls do this. Good girls don't do that.[...] Fuck. That.” (page 109)

This is a massive turning point for Jasmine in the book. She is literally in a sex club watching a scene as Jafar tells her what he wants to do to her in front of a crowd one day. At this moment, Jasmine has two options: she can be fearful and ashamed of her own desire to be watched or she can embrace it and start experiencing her fantasies.

This changed how I looked at kink for the rest of my month. See, maybe kink is just someone saying “I am turned on by something and I'm going to follow through on that, without judging myself. I'm going to feel the thing I want to feel.” This is basically the same premise SMUNTH was founded on almost a year ago. Kink simply takes it a step further, in which chains and whips were added.

The books I read this month spanned from kinky content like sex clubs, group sex, voyeurism, stalking, knife play, bondage, edging/orgasm denial, sub/dom relationships exchange of power, consensual non-consent, to paying for sex. To all my dark romance readers out there, I bow down to you. These are intense themes in which to be constantly immersed. But what I genuinely loved about these stories was the conversations the characters had about sex.

One of my favorite books from this month was Deep End by Ali Hazelwood. This was a highly anticipated release this year and lucky for me, it came out this month!!! This story follows Stanford athletes Scarlett (diver) and Lukas (swimmer). The two basically start having a “just sex” relationship based on the fact that they both have the same kink (exchange of power dynamic, sub/dom). The scene I love most in this book is a conversation between Scarlett and a friend. She shares what she likes about being a sub and I was struck by the humanity of it:

“The ease of pre-negotiating a social interaction. Having, for once, specific instructions. The stable quiet in the never-ending chaos of my brain. The satisfaction of doing something right, of being told as much. Disconnecting from the rest of the world and going with the flow. And yeah: I’m not sure why I’m wired like that, but pain and pleasure have always mixed up in my head, and it feels good when someone I trust pinches my nipples. It's that simple, sometimes. ‘To me, it's freedom.’” (page 24)

Scarlett’s statement touches on things that are human and relatable: feeling overwhelmed, insecure, not enough, and feeling like needing a break. Her kink is to submit. However, that submission is based on her need for someone else to take control and give her a respite from her constant anxiety.

The other vital thing that she touches on in this quote is “someone she trusts”. I think trust is the most important part of these stories. Because by trusting their respective partners each individual is able to fully indulge in the moment. For some of these couples, there are actually written contracts that outline their limits and preferences. Other couples just implement language to make sure consent was always there. Safe words allow both parties - or all parties ;) - to safely explore while having sex. In Minx, the main character is an escort and though she may not love any of the men who pay her she says that trust is the single most important part of her work. Good sexual encounters and trust go hand-in-hand. All these stories restate this fact over and over again. If they can't trust each other to be honest or to use their words, this cannot work.

Isn't that the gold standard? To have open conversations about what it is that you want.

I think often kinks are turned into this thing that is taboo and unconventional. But these books that take on kinky plot lines help to highlight how conventional they actually can be.

I think when we read stories about kink it makes us ask the question: “What am I too scared or ashamed to look at? Do I have mental blocks when it comes to certain areas of sexuality? And is that something I am perfectly fine with or is that something I want to challenge?”

As always, SMUNTH is about you having fun and learning about sex. But in order to have fun, you need to be comfortable and safe, just like in these books ;). So if these books make you too uncomfortable to read, I respect that. If you're interested in reading and learning more though, I encourage you to dive a bit deeper and explore.

Here is the list of all the books I read this month:

The Book List

Rating system: (this is based on price, just try and come between me and my kindle)

⭐️Library, ⭐️⭐️kindle, ⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover,

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ special edition

Spice level:

🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Oh my God, I didn’t know you could do that!

🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Not suitable to read at work

🌶️🌶️🌶️Good Lord!

🌶️🌶️HOT

🌶️ hot

FMC= Female main Character and MMC= Male Main Character