A Very Slutty Holiday
Ho Ho Ho!
Well…. More like Hoe Hoe Hoe!
The books I read this December embraced the later sentiment. See, the holidays tend to lead people in the direction of romance. Hallmark has been capitalizing on it for years and apparently so do romance authors! But what I learned is that I had no idea how dirty you could make holiday stories!!
I literally read a book where a G-rated holiday movie is being filmed in Vermont, and when half the crew and the lead actress get injured at a music festival, the only people available to cover for them are a porn cast and crew. Let's just say, those books were hilarious! I also read way too many books that put dirty uses to holiday classic treats. I can literally never look at a candy cane the same way again, so thanks for that, Meghan Quinn!
This list of holiday smut reviews is going to be as stuffed, steaming, and burly as good old St. Nick himself ;)
Have you been nice or naughty this year?
The Book List
Rating system: (this is based on price, just try and come between me and my kindle)
⭐️Library, ⭐️⭐️kindle, ⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover,
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ special edition
Spice level:
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Oh my God, I didn’t know you could do that!
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Not suitable to read at work
🌶️🌶️🌶️Good Lord!
🌶️🌶️HOT
🌶️ hot
FMC= Female main Character and MMC= Male Main Character
Under the Mistletoe Collection (Amazon Novellas):
Cruel Winter With You by Ali Hazelwood 🌶️🌶️
This story made me wail. It was so cute and so wholesome! There is nothing better than a good friends-to-lovers romance. Like, this little boy has been in love with her his whole life!!! Literally, she held him on the day he was born! AHHHHHH! Shut up! I am not crying…!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover
Merry Ever After by Tessa Bailey🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Tessaaaaaaaaaa… you dirty, dirty girl! AHHHHHH. I wasn't sure what your little Christmas novella was going to be about. Would it be sweet? Would it be sexy? What would be the story? And the big man who scowls and literally is too big for pants!!!! That's CRAZY energy for page one! Oh, and don't get me wrong, I am not complaining at all. To anyone who wants to see a big rough farmer fall in love and take care of a child (and be a giver ;) ), then read this!
⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback
All By My Elf by Olivia Dade🌶️🌶️
Okay so this was a story set in a WienerMobile. That's awesome in itself! No need for further comment. But I will continue. This was a very sweet novella about two college professors who have been secretly pining for each other for years and everything comes to a head when both volunteer to sell sausages over the holiday break and end up stuck in the WienerMobile during a snowstorm. I have never read anything else by Dade, but I like where her head is so I will have to look for her other books.
⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback
Merriment and Mayhem by Alexandria Bellefleur🌶️🌶️🌶️
Again, these novellas all had such fun premises. This story starts with the girl burning her cookies and a fireman showing up to save her. There happens to be a very hot man who catches her before she falls. Perfect. The end. They fall in love forever. NOPE. Because that would be too easy for her. Now she keeps making embarrassing mistakes that he keeps helping her with. After all the embarrassment is done they finally get to have all the cute romantic moments. Super funny novella.
⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback
Only Santas In The Building by Alexis Daria🌶️🌶️
This is again a super cute story of two neighbors in a New York apartment building who are secretly pining for each other. But here is the thing: this man was made for me. He shows his love by fixing things for her and making her hand-made ornaments. I’M SORRY, WHAT??!!!! That's soooooo cute! If your love language is acts of service and gift giving, this story is for you!
⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback
Novels:
The Nightmare Before Kissmas by Sara Raasch🌶️🌶️🌶️
Okay, I know that this is not everyone’s cup of tea, but it sure as shit was mine!!!! Imagine Red White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston had a baby with the Disney Santa Claus movies! That would be this book! It's a Christmas fantasy book where each holiday has a royal court and there are politics, tabloids, and drama around these courts. Then imagine the Crown Prince of Christmas and the Crown Prince of Halloween fall in love. But the two, with the help of the Easter Princess and brother the other Christmas Prince, have to stop political injustices from destroying many of the courts! OKAY, RIGHT??!!!! Like so funnnnnnnnn! I couldn’t stop kicking my feet and giggling.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover
How My Neighbor Stole Christmas by Meghan Quinn🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Okay, so when I met Meghan Quinn at a book signing this summer, just after I had done the Smulympics, she told me that she was writing a Christmas book that was a sexy retake on the Grinch. I was sat! I marked my calendar and waited patiently. And she didn’t disappoint! This book about a girl who hasn't returned home to visit her great aunt in ten years is faced with a crazy town Christmas competition and a very disgruntled neighbor. This friends/crushes to enemies to lovers pipeline was immaculate. The Grinch references were spot on and I loved how she leaned into Christmas so much, it was cringy. To me, it can sometimes be hard to do Christmas well, because if it is only half-hearted, it’s not fun. But balls-to-the-wall Christmas with even a splash of self-aware jokes is the perfect way to write a Christmas novel in my opinion. Also, for whatever reason, I was struggling with focus at the beginning of December and was struggling to make headway in this book, so I switched to audio. BEST DECISION EVER! The audio book is so good, the main actors were great, but the British narrator stole the show! You have to listen to it just for him!
P.s. Everyone keeps talking about the candy cane scene but to me the Grinch strip show was the best!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover
A Merry Little Meet Cute By Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone (Christmas Notch Series Book 1)🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Okay, so a big time porn producer has dreams of making it big in mainstream media. To achieve this, he produces a Christmas movie for the Hope Channel (i.e. Hallmark). But shit hits the fan when his lead actress, America's sweetheart, and half of his crew get sick and injured in the desert at a music festival the day before they all need to be in Vermont for the shoot. So the producer has one day to hire a whole new team. But who might be available with that kind of notice, you might ask. Well, his trusty porn team. What could possibly go wrong when the lead actor of the movie, Nolan (a former boy band hotty in need of cash) finds out that his leading lady, Bee, is the porn star he has been obsessed with for years and the whole hair and makeup crew are more familiar with covering butt acne and g-strings than regency era sideburns and doublets. Okay, you want to read it now, right?! I promise you won’t stop laughing! Hallmark meets porn industry. I never knew that that’s what I needed for the holidays!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover
A Holly Joy Ever After By Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone (Christmas Notch Series Book 2)🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
In this book the execs of the Hope Channel realize that maybe they weren't so crazy and that actually the whole Hallmark/porn combo is a cash cow. So they decide to do it again. But this time a different member of the aforementioned boy band, Kallum (he’s Jewish, has a dad bod, and his sextape was released in the last book) will starr in the softcore porn story of how Santa meets Mrs. Claus. The aforementioned American Sweetheart Winnie (who has made a career in Conservative Christian movies, but got divorced and now has to save her career) is his leading lady. Only problem is: our hero has had a crush on his Mrs. Claus for a while and our heroine has never had an orgasm (even after 15 years of marriage!) and now needs to fake one on camera. Can she do it or does she need her Santa to DO her, for research?! Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone have done it again! I can’t wait to read the third book and the novellas next year!!!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover
